How to Apologize to Your Spouse When You Make a Mistake

Some people think that buying gifts, sending flowers, or having sex is synonymous with an apology. Not so! Although these can be positive strokes to a spouse, none of these can replace a penitent heart. I remember a situation where the husband would go out partying and stay away without calling his wife for several days. The first time it happened, he sent her expensive flowers before he went home, bearing gifts with much affection. It worked a couple of times, but once she realized that his remorse only lasted about two weeks before the cycle would repeat, she started refusing his apologetic sentiment. Not to mention that he was spending money that they couldn't afford, which only increased her anxiety.

When it comes to making mistakes in life, who can truly say they are mistake-free? The fact is no such person exists. A mistake is a "missed take"--the result of an error or fault that produces an undesirable outcome. Mistakes are usually unintentional, however; a mistake can be purposed by choice. For example, if a person makes a conscious choice to do "wrong", they are intentionally deciding to make a mistake.

Whether intentional or not, the aftermath of making a mistake may stir inner thoughts, such as, "If only I hadn't said that"..."If only I hadn't done that"... "If only I had realized how much I"..."If only." Although most of us have thoughts like this at times, it can be hard to admit them publicly, especially to those we care about or love or don't want to disappoint. Many people find it difficult to take responsibility for what they say and do that cause hurt or harm to others. Sometimes it seems easier to justify the mistake by placing the blame on someone or something else.

So, how do you apologize to your spouse when you have taken a "missed take" along the way? What can be said or done to make a "wrong" right? Since every relationship is different and no two people interact exactly the same way, there is no one "right way to apologize that works for everyone. Regardless of differing personalities, situations and environments, people generally want to be affirmed, appreciated and respected.

There are two essential steps in apologizing for a mistake:

1) Do it with intentional genuineness, which is simply speaking from your heart with humility and honesty. Trust and integrity are twin attributes that can make or break a relationship.

2) Avoid repeating the same mistake once you know it. Get professional assistance if it is something you are unable to do on your own. Be truthful with yourself by examining your own motivations and intentions.

The reality is the past cannot be changed, and what has been said or done cannot be undone. Life is not a movie. You can't rewind the reel and record another take. We only have the present moment available to us--the here and now. Today cannot be re-experienced.

A real apology consists of much more than sweet talk and crocodile tears. Nothing is more powerful than genuine remorse for making the mistake. Everyone makes mistakes in life--even a spouse. What you say and what you do should be a mirror image of your own integrity.